Thus far, I have not had the chance to meet anyone interested in Buddhism or the school of Zen who enters in a state of radical uncertainty, self-admittedly, aware that they, personally, know that they don’t know. Instead, the typical adept, whether just curious or serious, is looking for certainty—to be filled with certainty as they practice. They also believe they already know something, if only a little, about Buddhism or Zen and that further study will confirm what they already know.
But just imagine that when doing zazen or seated meditation you, the adept, became more uncertain. But nobody expects that to happen when they begin to practice. People who do zazen are growing in certitude—that's what they believe and expect. They are convinced that they are approaching the true meaning of Zen as they meditate which, I dare say, is not true at all.
For Zen master Dahui 大慧 the feeling of doubt or uncertainty was an indispensable part of Zen practice! It acted to push the adept toward awakening which went beyond certainty, certainty being just an intense feeling that gives the adept the illusion of true knowing or sambodhi. In light of this, it is a truism to say, that just being certain or convinced about something is not always true knowledge. One can easily be deceived and still be certain. And the more certain or convinced we feel about something, it is not necessarily unvarnished truth or true knowledge.
When we consider the koan on this score, we are forced to come to the conclusion that each koan works to eliminate any feeling of certainty about Zen we may have acquired which ironically can lead us astray. I always had the sense that koans were making me more uncertain about Zen and its ultimate aim or experience. I was gradually coming to my wits’ end or the same, I was having to admit, and rather painfully, that I know now that I don’t know. Whatever certitude or convictions I had going into my retreat, were gone. I was devastated. The tears flowed, heavily. I had nowhere to go or anyone to turn to. I had run out of turns!
What I subsequently learned from my struggles in Zen, is that much of the training of Zen is about weaning the adept off the feeling of certitude—preparing the adept to face radical uncertainty or great doubt.
If Zen master Dahui said, "A great doubt will definitely be followed by a great awakening,” I will say, “Great awakening must be preceded by radical uncertainty.” This implies that the adept has to be weaned off of their convictions about enlightenment until they have nothing left to rely on. This is to say, that before the adept can realize pure Mind, the thoughts that arise from Mind have to stop all at once, suddenly. However, whatever the adept does to stop their thoughts will not work. Why is this? Whatever the adept does is part of the problem—even not doing. Actions directed at entering the no-gate 無門 constitute the very barrier 関 to the no-gate. This is why the need for radical uncertainty—Dahui’s great doubt. Mind’s luminosity can only enter an empty vessel because the knowledge entering is so radical and fundamental that the slightest thought blocks it.
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